My mind lingers on through the middle of the night and up ‘til dawn. I still see no sun outside. But I do not feel panic. A calm has fell over my body. The calm before the storm, crashing down on my consciousness like a wave and soothing my soul with the rhythmic ebb and flow of time. With this passing of time I have thought about my life, about my actions, about my failed attempts at friendship, family, and love. I thought about my failing grades and lack of motivation. My selfish and immature way of life crosses my mind and I flash back to a time when things weren’t so “mindlessly-laughing-through-life” or “striving-for-someone-else’s-future”.
I thought about my cryptic quotations and archaic humor, timeless from an outsider’s perspective. Outside of time because there is no time to decode the words of a trickster. Everyone learns that eventually. And I am alone. The insincerity of my halfway-actions is apparent. The pressure is on and high pressures pull the skies down little by little, drawing the sky downward to fill the void I leave on this Earth. As I lie. With every breath I take, I tear more substance from the sky and push people away with deceptive words and misgivings of my character. The winds of change blow it all away until no one is there. Nothing remains. Destruction lies in my wake.
Where were the times of joy and happiness that I once longingly tried to maintain? I would savor the thought of sunshine joy radiating through the air, shining hope down on me. Every fiber of my being wanted to be in the light, drawing in the power of the sun. I was a beacon of hope. And everyone saw that. What changed? How I have fallen so backwards, counter to the hands of time, screaming my mind down into oblivion. Is there still hope to change, I wonder.
This is why I have my mid-morning epiphany. To change the error of my ways. To understand the complexity of my spirit. I am a part of this world. And I can be human again. To build something stronger than earthly metal. To make lasting ties beyond the boundary of what can be seen. And to recognize the life all around me. No longer shall I observe. No longer shall I wait. Because the sun does rise again.
Now I wake up.
From October 21st, 2015
I haven’t slept much lately. That seems to be the story with everyone these days. As the days turn to night, I finally start to wake. These nights are getting longer, with the passing of the sun. The moon shines brightly on me, a shadow of the sun that once touched my skin and gave me warmth. I live to worship the moon, awake for hours under its presence. I live my days by night. I cannot sleep.
I used to pull all-nighters only once a week, but that has quickly turned to two. I do not allow myself reprieve. But when I do give in to the demands of my body, it is not enough. I dedicate myself to the night and all the work that has yet to be done, all the work I am not doing, and all the work that is still to come.
I used to fight to stay awake in class. A battle between my conscience self and the self I wish I could be. I fight a losing battle. Pointless. When I am awake, I do not understand. The words taunt me, floating through the air and fluttering in dynamic patterns and fanciful forms. Lifting off of pages and out of professor’s mouths, forever eluding my grasp, my understanding. They remain foreign to me. I see, but I do no more than that. This battle I have lost.
People look at me and wonder how I do this. But only when I muster the strength to share these troubles. The troubles that are all-too-common among my peers. The relentless struggle of our undergraduate “education”. The feelings that rage inside. We cannot see past the surface, the façade. The mask I wear to hide my struggles cannot hold much longer. But I do not intend to give it up. It’s just my human nature to live in the moment, even if the next will crush my soul. When I see people, it is my duty to entertain. To fix problems. To ensure we are living life to the fullest, in that small fragment of time. To maintain that illusion for the time being. But we cannot see the truth in darkness. We are lost without the light of day.
It is sad to know that I cannot escape this reality. Wake up from this dream. Emerge from the darkness. And truly feel. Embracing the sadness would make me happy. But the happiness that I have is not meant to be kept. I give it all away, until there is none left. No hopes remain.
Inside that shell is nothing. An illusion. Empty.