Tag Archives: life

The Deconstruction of Death

A part of me died today. The part of me that depends on other people for approval. The part of me that thought I needed someone else. The part of me that lacked the confidence to go out into the world and get what I wanted. I held myself back, clinging onto any form of social acceptance I could find. Like a parasite, I would suck species dry. Lapping up affection. Demanding attention. Desperately wanting to be seen. To be heard. To be found.

I was waiting for someone to come save me from despair. For a beacon of hope to shine through the darkness that surrounds me. Something to set my soul ablaze and obliterate the constructs of my mind, breaking the boundaries of thought and demolishing ancient architectural paradigms. The endless arches would crumble under the weight of my salvation, my one saving grace.

What I could only hope for…

But now I’ve opened my eyes. And I accept reality. No one is coming. I lick at imaginary pools of backwashed tenderness. Crusty white dust and limestone rings now signify the feelings that once were and no longer are. There is no attention to demand. No one to see. No one to hear. No one to know that I even existed.

The stories I told myself were just that: Stories. Fictional figures of a fantasy life, forming unattainable notions of friendship, and family, and love. The best I could ever get was in the theatre of my mind, rerun after rerun, rewinding the reel over and over until it runs raw all over itself, refusing to repeat my sickened fantasy. Falsely leading me into a sense of hope for the future. A future not worth living.

But I step forward anyways. Wading through the unknown. Pushing past the pain. Addressing each issue head on, trembling with fear, cowardly, shamefully. Holding onto a tiny bit of hope that one day it could change. That one day things could be different.

I muster what little courage I own into a perceptual line of sight. I need every bit to overcome the spirit that possesses me. We are locked in a violent grip, a battle for my soul. Control of my actions. My body, my soul. This battle wages on for what feels like centuries. The casualties of war accumulating, beginning to spill over and out of the realm of the mind and into the other world. And the life of others must suffer the consequences of my actions.

But today that battle has ended. A mark in the halls of time, a scar on the cloth of history. A part of me died today. But the circle of life does not let death go to waste. Death begets life. Before I was incomplete. Now I am whole. As if that part never even existed.

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The Adverse Tea Leaf

swimming in a sea of caffeination –

falling down a listless path

the others drifting nearby

almost lazily, but they keep me afloat.

Makeshift life jackets save my conscious self

with an unconscious effort,

knowing nothing more than the science 

they live up to: buoys bobbing 

up and down like the florescent peel

of yellow skin stuck in the water.

That acidic iceberg set in the distance

follows the ebb and flow of my mind

until I crash into that block of ice

head-on:

you sunk my battleship

 

and I am awake

A Self-Study of the Sleeping Mind

From 5:24am

My mind lingers on through the middle of the night and up ‘til dawn. I still see no sun outside. But I do not feel panic. A calm has fell over my body. The calm before the storm, crashing down on my consciousness like a wave and soothing my soul with the rhythmic ebb and flow of time. With this passing of time I have thought about my life, about my actions, about my failed attempts at friendship, family, and love. I thought about my failing grades and lack of motivation. My selfish and immature way of life crosses my mind and I flash back to a time when things weren’t so “mindlessly-laughing-through-life” or “striving-for-someone-else’s-future”.

I thought about my cryptic quotations and archaic humor, timeless from an outsider’s perspective. Outside of time because there is no time to decode the words of a trickster. Everyone learns that eventually. And I am alone. The insincerity of my halfway-actions is apparent. The pressure is on and high pressures pull the skies down little by little, drawing the sky downward to fill the void I leave on this Earth. As I lie. With every breath I take, I tear more substance from the sky and push people away with deceptive words and misgivings of my character. The winds of change blow it all away until no one is there. Nothing remains. Destruction lies in my wake.

Where were the times of joy and happiness that I once longingly tried to maintain? I would savor the thought of sunshine joy radiating through the air, shining hope down on me. Every fiber of my being wanted to be in the light, drawing in the power of the sun. I was a beacon of hope. And everyone saw that. What changed? How I have fallen so backwards, counter to the hands of time, screaming my mind down into oblivion. Is there still hope to change, I wonder.

This is why I have my mid-morning epiphany. To change the error of my ways. To understand the complexity of my spirit. I am a part of this world. And I can be human again. To build something stronger than earthly metal. To make lasting ties beyond the boundary of what can be seen. And to recognize the life all around me. No longer shall I observe. No longer shall I wait. Because the sun does rise again.

Now I wake up.

Hello World!

Although the term “Hello World!” is traditionally associated with the launch of a newly configured computer program, it now marks the inception of my own dark corner of the interwebs: “A Slice of Kai”

On this online data source you will gain insights into my life, personal thoughts, erratic behaviors, rambunctious laughter, unorthodox lifestyle and so, SO much more.

Beware of what you might see. You have been warned.

Hello internet. Hello.

– “The Sly Kai”