Illusive

From October 21st, 2015

I haven’t slept much lately. That seems to be the story with everyone these days. As the days turn to night, I finally start to wake. These nights are getting longer, with the passing of the sun. The moon shines brightly on me, a shadow of the sun that once touched my skin and gave me warmth. I live to worship the moon, awake for hours under its presence. I live my days by night. I cannot sleep.

I used to pull all-nighters only once a week, but that has quickly turned to two. I do not allow myself reprieve. But when I do give in to the demands of my body, it is not enough. I dedicate myself to the night and all the work that has yet to be done, all the work I am not doing, and all the work that is still to come.

I used to fight to stay awake in class. A battle between my conscience self and the self I wish I could be. I fight a losing battle. Pointless. When I am awake, I do not understand. The words taunt me, floating through the air and fluttering in dynamic patterns and fanciful forms. Lifting off of pages and out of professor’s mouths, forever eluding my grasp, my understanding. They remain foreign to me. I see, but I do no more than that. This battle I have lost.

People look at me and wonder how I do this. But only when I muster the strength to share these troubles. The troubles that are all-too-common among my peers. The relentless struggle of our undergraduate “education”. The feelings that rage inside. We cannot see past the surface, the façade. The mask I wear to hide my struggles cannot hold much longer. But I do not intend to give it up. It’s just my human nature to live in the moment, even if the next will crush my soul. When I see people, it is my duty to entertain. To fix problems. To ensure we are living life to the fullest, in that small fragment of time. To maintain that illusion for the time being. But we cannot see the truth in darkness. We are lost without the light of day.

It is sad to know that I cannot escape this reality. Wake up from this dream. Emerge from the darkness. And truly feel. Embracing the sadness would make me happy. But the happiness that I have is not meant to be kept. I give it all away, until there is none left. No hopes remain.

Inside that shell is nothing. An illusion. Empty.

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